A few weeks ago, I escaped the Island Bay parental treadmill and drove to the office to sign a card for a colleague. She is my manager. Getting my childish scrawl into her card is worth at least three future days of forgiving looks when I stagger into work hungover, surly and protectively clutching a mince and cheese pie.
All office cards are a nightmare. But leaving cards are the worst. They go around the office more times than colds through the dodgy air-conditioning ducts. What the hell do you write in them? I suggest the following system:
- If it is a colleague who you consider a good friend (ie you "might" consider seeing them outside office hours), then unexpected abuse and profanities are recommended. I normally write something like "Fuck off, no-one liked you anyway". This cushions the boredom of your mate's leaving card.
- If it is someone you don't know at all, I suggest the opposite. A syrupy heartfelt note should confuse the hell out of the person leaving. Something like, "You have been my mentor, dear friend and inspiration, I will miss you dearly, stay in touch Smithy!" If their surname isn't Smith, even better.
- The middle of the road colleague is difficult. This is the colleague where engaging in weather related conversations by the photocopier is sometimes bearable. I suggest a one word note in their leaving card. "Indeed" pretty much sums it up. It says, I am giving you a passing thought, but no more. Perfect.
One further rule about office leaving cards. Under no circumstances do you contribute money to somebody senior to you. Simple economics.
An anonymous correspondent (of whom I have many has suggested a further rule:
ReplyDeleteIn the circumstance where a colleague has suffered a death in the family it is never appropriate to write anything that mentions “...your loss”. Always direct your colleague to the sunny side by, for example, inquiring in the card as to the likely size of the estate or pointing out that there is now one less to cook Christmas dinner for.
Indead
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